How do you cope with a loss of a loved one?

By Wanda Pratnicka

During fall, many cultures celebrate life after death or honor those who have passed away. For example, in the United States, Halloween is celebrated. In Latin America & the Caribbean, Dia de los Muertos is a way of life, and in Eastern Europe, citizens have Day of the Dead. It’s common for grief to spike around such holidays, especially if one has recently lost a loved one.

How do you cope with the loss of a loved one? How do you support a grieving child or friend? How do you help a deceased person transition to the other side? You can find answers to these questions in this month’s newsletter.

PREPARING FOR THE DEATH OF A LOVE ONE

There is no good way to prepare for the death of a loved one. Whether it happens unexpectedly or we knew about it months in advance, it is always an extremely painful experience. Suddenly, time stops for us and we can’t understand how the world can keep moving forward while we are going through such tragedy. We want to scream at life: “How can you possibly go on?”

Things that used to lift us up, such as a sunny day, coffee with a friend, or a child’s laugh now overwhelm us because we have no strength to participate in them. Our world has lost all of its color and all that exists for us is anger, pain and loneliness.

People cope with loss in various ways. Some people cry for days or months, others don’t find much relief in crying. Some stay in bed for weeks, others decide to work long hours and sign up for lots of activities. Yet another group decides to use alcohol or drugs to cope with the pain.

In the past, I also suffered greatly when my loved ones passed away. The loss of my mother was particularly painful. If it weren’t for my newborn daughter, I am not sure how I would have managed to cope with her death. Currently, I find this process a lot easier now that I understand the true essence of who we are and our Life. When I use the word Life, I am referring to life not only here on Earth, but our eternal Life that never begins and never ends.

COPING WITH GRIEF AND LOSS

Sadly, I often hear a grieving person told to “just get over it,” “get yourself together,” or “you’ve got to be tough for everyone around you.” If only it were that easy… People don’t realize that when we suppress our pain, anger, and sadness we may never be the same again. Your emotional wound will stay open and it will be much harder to heal it later on.

The deeper you let yourself experience mourning right after the death of a loved one, the quicker you will return to life. Therefore, allow yourself to cry and feel despair, anger, and sadness as greatly as you can possibly express. Give yourself enough time to ignore the daily life that is happening around you.

It would be very helpful if you could express your pain to a friend or other family member who wasn’t as much affected by the death. The mere presence of another person who can simply sit and listen to our pain, and lamentations will greatly help us. Our friend doesn’t even have to say anything, but just simply listen, allow us to cry, and give us a hug if needed.

In the past, the grieving process was easier for people because families lived together or nearby. They would gather together, burn candles, pray for hours and support one another. There was plenty of love and sympathy. Now, in our fast-paced world, most people expect to “get over it” within a few days so we can quickly return to work and other daily responsibilities. As a result, people remain with their pain by themselves, suffer in silence and the entire process ends up taking much longer.

HOW TO SUPPORT A GRIEVING FRIEND?

Most people avoid those who are grieving. We do so, because we don’t know how to behave around such a person, we don’t know what to say or we’re afraid their stories and experience will depress us. We convince ourselves that it is best to not get involved. Meanwhile, it’s exactly the opposite of what is needed. It is our responsibility to frequently reach out to people who are copying with loss, offer our help with even simple tasks such as grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. We should also allow them to express their pain. Sometimes their pain can be expressed in the form of unpleasant words aimed at us or tough behavior. We shouldn’t take such words or actions personally. We should allow them to be angry or to scream and look at it as a healing process they currently need to go through.

GRIEF AND CHILDREN

As we are coping with our pain it is easy to forget that the children of the deceased are also grieving and need help.

Children experience emotions even more intensely than adults, because they still don’t fully understand the concepts of life and death. Similarly to adults, children also react to death in various ways. Some children may not want to play, become lethargic; others will be rebellious, angry, or misbehave. Another group of children may not show any signs at all, but it doesn’t mean they are not going through deep pain.

We should allow our children to be angry and misbehave and refrain from criticizing them. We should allow our children to ignore daily life for some time and lessen their responsibilities. However, I am not talking here about ignoring life completely. Children should still sleep, eat, do homework etc.

It is a good idea to inform teachers about the loss of a loved one, as well as inform other children at school. This way teachers will approach a child with extra compassion and care instead of punishing them for irregular behavior.

Since children don’t fully understand the essence of death, many may feel guilt or that they are the cause of someone’s death. I have heard children say: “My grandmother passed away because I was naughty,” or “I didn’t like my teacher and that’s why he died.” When a parent hears this, it is very important to repeat to a child that they are not at fault. Sometimes, this has to be repeated multiple times.

If we are not capable of helping our child due to our own pain, it may be helpful to ask someone to talk to our child. If we see our child’s behavior is getting out of control, then having a child talking with a psychologist could be helpful.

When parents experience the loss of a child, some start to give excessive care to their remaining children. This makes children’s grieving process even tougher. It is even worse when we start to compare a child to the one who just passed away or when a deceased child is idolized. Many of my clients have told me that they have heard their parents actually state or wonder, why they didn’t die instead of another sibling. These painful words remain in their memory for the rest of their lives and cause a great amount of suffering. Many end up in therapy for years or worse.

As I mentioned above, grief should be experienced as intensely as possible. We have been left alone, angry and often with new responsibilities or problems that we never had to deal with before. We should give ourselves as much time as we need.

We also have to be mindful of letting our loved ones depart in peace. How do you help a soul to transition to the other side? What do we do if we sense their presence, in spirit form, around us? This is our topic for our next blog post. Until then, be well. Your friend, Wanda.